What a year, man. So thankful for the things we have, but mostly thankful for what's to come, even though it is largely unknown. I know your feeds and inboxes are filled with this kind of thing so pardon another one, but this year is particularly deep for my family. The energy of this city (very murky, for those of you who can feel emotion like I can) is challenging. Wading through to thankfulness is, if I am being honest, difficult.
My mother-in-law is dying, which is not so much the reason for the sadness. Her imminent death is not a surprise and I am actually looking forward to knowing she is whole and well again. Her body has failed her, experiencing constant pain. Her brain is confused, her thoughts jumbled, her memories mixed up. She would have hated that, were she able to know what she was experiencing. So death for her is a blessing to me. I have to be careful who I say that to, but if you know me well, you understand. No, the real distress is in the way interactions with those who love her have to be. Blurring my boundaries, set originally to protect myself and my family, has been a real challenge. It feels uncomfortably selfish to say "we can't do this, not like this". So I sacrifice myself to accommodate the needs of others, only to regret that decision, resent it, later. I feel duped, swindled, tricked, unappreciated, misunderstood, alone. But this was supposed to be about being thankful, so I try to see the lessons learned in these feelings, feel them and move on.
There is much guilt being thrown around. We should be in Ohio with my family, celebrating, enjoying the company of those who love us, drinking coffee around the pellet stove because my dad thinks 55 degrees is a reasonable temperature to let the house fall to at night :). In our absence from those interactions I have seen so clearly what is missing in my life. It was guilt that kept us here this holiday, instead of traveling. In hindsight, we should have just gone. Our presence here has done nobody any good, and has created stress where there should be none. I feel guilt, myself, for not being able to be what the rest of the extended family thinks they need. We should have given them an easy out, gone out of town. It would have been best for us all. But they tried pretending (though I am starting to think they genuinely don't realize that they are not acting on their own needs, but their perceptions of what others think they should need) and WE tried pretending and what a damn mess. Now we sit, just the 6 of us, eating turkey casserole, eating the pie for breakfast instead of dessert (seriously a new tradition in the making here, thankful for that), and learning. Always learning. And wishing. Always wishing.
I am thankful for the ability to reset those boundaries, as clear in thought, as honest in intent as I can possibly be. I identify as Pagan and try always to be mindful of my actions because they ripple out like a pebble thrown into a pond. These family decisions are more reminiscent of a boulder being thrown and thus I am even more concerned with the consequences. Don't get me wrong, I make plenty of impulsive decisions, feel things and respond emotionally, perhaps nowhere more drastically than in dealings with this family unit. But I always try to do better next time. This is taking forever though, and I constantly feel like I am missing something, or not asking for guidance the right way, or maybe this is just a really, really BIG task for me to accomplish.
I am thankful for the opportunity to hear the messages that say "Go", even though I am not yet sure how to make that happen. I asked "what should we do", and got an answer, but I made the mistake of saying "but, are you sure, because that sounds hard, no, IMPOSSIBLE". Ever supportive, but super philosophical husband makes these lessons even more challenging. He needs details, data, charts and graphs and a PLAN. Whatever happens, at least he and I will be together to balance each other out. If it were up to me we'd just load the van and go. He wants to plan it to the finest detail. Somewhere in between those 2 extremes is our reality, and for that I am thankful. We'll find it.
And so, in some weird way I am thankful for the challenges, the family that just doesn't get me, death, guilt, misdirection, straying paths, and the knowledge that I get more time to get this right, especially if right looks wrong to everyone else. Of course, this is all in addition to the usual thankfulnesses, food on the table, friends and family, etc. Those things are what I try to be thankful for every day, so perhaps the challenges get a special spot today because they need it. Much love.
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