I am frustrated with myself for putting us back on these tracks. You see, my mother-in-law is dying. She's been given a couple of days to live. It was worth canceling our plans to visit MY family to be able to say our last goodbyes to a woman who, for the final years of her life, chose to let us go. But then the goodbyes were said and I took a side track. I thought how nice it was to have family smiling at me, to have cousins to occupy children who are missing those interactions as well. I sipped margarita and giggled at family jokes and enjoyed not being the center of my child's universe. Clearly something is missing and it hit me really hard how very large that hole was. 2 days of visits were spent filling that hole. I got 2 days. And then the train came around a bend in the track. I wish you all could share the image in my mind. It's a slow-motion snapshot of all hell breaking loose. The expression on my face is surprise mixed with the realization that I might be too late. The margarita goes flying, salt sprinkling, ice cubes mid air, a wedge of lime floating. In my panic I am frantically trying to locate the people who mean the most to me, my kids and my husband. It's an everyone for themselves sort of panic. I realize a split second later that the train exists only to my family. The extended family is so used to navigating these oncoming locomotives and pits of emptiness that they hardly notice anymore. But I, I ran 3 years ago. I had tucked my guard away and I didn't even see this one coming. And now I am fighting, absolutely insane with the desire to run like hell.
Thought detour: It took me many years to learn just how sensitive I was to the energies of others. It's taken me even longer to recognize that I need to learn more about this, to learn how to protect myself. I did fairly well as a young woman, wearing charms, centering my thoughts, grounding myself in ritual, supporting myself with herbs and essential oils. When I had children I let some of the more involved parts of that routine go. I was busy being mom, and the instinct to protect my babies was strong enough to protect myself as well. Enter the now 9 year old girl child who is incredibly sensitive. I did not grow up in a household that knew about this. I don't remember feeling abnormal or weird as a child, but when I look back I see some of the signs that I didn't come into this as an adult. Z has been in my world her whole life. She is so intuitive, sensitive, vulnerable, that my knowledge is far inferior to hers. The underbelly of this beautiful gift she has is that I can't help her navigate it. She and I get each other. She creates altars when she feels overwhelmed, she is fascinated by potions and spells, she writes and draws and the drama (oh the drama!) is just part of who she is.
Back again to my point: So as much as all of this affects me, Z feels many many times more sensitively. So this train, wow, it's a doozie, and it caught me off guard, and I didn't prepare to help her, and I am not even sure how to help myself, and there are 3 other kids and don't forget the most important person in my life, my husband, whose mother is dying before our very eyes. And then, THEN, the city exploded in a shit-storm (pardon the language, but it is really the best way to describe it) of energy. So very much of it is negative, or intensely angry, rage and frustration, to the point of blindness to all else. In hindsight we should have gotten the hell out of dodge. We knew the Grand Jury decision was going to create some very intense issues. I should have seen that we weren't going to be able to handle it all together, but my mother-in-law is dying and we didn't have enough time to resolve any of the issues that caused our estrangement, and those issues are worse today than they ever were and it felt important to try.
So here we are, days (maybe even hours) away from losing the woman who brought my amazing husband into the world, in the heart of a ball of energy the likes of which I could not even imagine before this week. (My brain portrays this as a nuclear explosion contained in a dome. Dramatic but that's how I see it.) I recognize that this is deeply affecting our extended family. They are distraught about losing this woman (their views on death are much different than mine and even my husband's), and feeling the energy of the city (though I do not think they realize it). But I can't fricking help them. I am barely keeping myself and my sensitive kiddo coherent. My husband needs me. My other kids need me. DAMMIT I cannot carry them all. I just can't. And they are angry at me because of it, though I don't think they realize that either. They think this is about my brother-in-law and his drug addiction, but it's so not, and I can't even explain it to them because they don't fricking want to hear it. They think that if I can just let it all go that they will feel better, but I know they won't. They think they would be ok if I could just fake it convincingly, that they will feel better about mom dying, but they won't. "I think you're going to regret this in a couple of years" is really "I feel regret that I can't express".
So Ferguson folks, and those around the world who feel connected to that situation: My personal struggles have helped me to understand the struggles you are facing. They're not the same. I am not saying that we are a cliche, that we are fighting similar battles. I'm saying that we all struggle, we all feel overwhelmed, we all feel like this time we may not get out of the way in time. I'm saying that your lives, your feelings, your needs, your wants, and your frustrations are valid. You don't need me to validate you, but it sure is nice to have that off your shoulders, if only for a moment, to know that you aren't the only one carrying a burden. You matter. We all matter. I know it isn't enough, but it's from the depths of my soul, and right now it is all I can give.
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