11 February, 2015

Holy wow. I almost missed it.

It is rare for me to read words written by a stranger and be triggered into a flood of emotion and thought.  It happened to me last night.  A friend posted something that had gone viral on the topic of vaccinations.  It's about a baby named Griffin (love that name, by the way) who might have been exposed to measles.  I read it, and I shouldn't have.  It took me to a place I don't like to be.  Spiritual friends would tell me that being uncomfortable doesn't make the space unnecessary.  Screw that.  I have stuff to do, and I don't see "defend my ability to think and make decisions as an adult" on my to-do list today.  Apparently it was written in with invisible ink because here I am, doing exactly that.  The Wii behind me is making the "choose an activity" sound because I had intended on watching another episode of Arrow this morning before the afternoon sneaks up on me.  I even considered folding some laundry while I watch.  But here I am, blogging about a topic I don't want to cover, in response to a woman who I don't know, whose words did something to me.

I have many years of non-vaccinating under my belt.  I've approached the subject in a variety of ways with a myriad of people all coming from different places, different ideals, different opinions on the subject.  I have used all of the tricks to navigate this topic.  I've defended myself, armed with research and information I felt was credible.  I've used the "I don't have to defend myself to you" approach.  I've flat-out lied so that the subject didn't come between me and a friend who felt very strongly for the other side of the issue.  I've changed the subject, made excuses to leave the conversation, sought out only those who felt similarly.  Every trick.  Nothing fricking works.  There is no correct way to be me it seems.  No matter what I do, undies get bunched, whether it be mine or theirs.

I was tired, sleep deprived, attempting to get a few moments of quiet time (it's a constant balance isn't it?  Do I get some sleep or take some time for myself?).  I did something I wish I would stop doing, and clicked on the facebook app on my phone.  I knew not to read the article, but the friend who posted it is someone I respect, so I figured "how bad can it be".  I should have played Panda Pop instead.  I even had 5 shiny new lives!  I knew from others that the topic was a shit storm of controversy.  I felt almost self righteous about it not having touched my life yet.  I thought "hot damn!  Maybe I've finally arrived at a place where people respect me enough to just not go there".  But alas, I clicked the link.

Initially I wanted to shout back at this woman.  How dare she label me, put me so hatefully into this group of people she clearly knows NOTHING about.  She says she doesn't blame the person who brought measles into the office, but then goes on to blame non vaccinating for her struggles.  The liklihood is that the individual in question is vaccinated.  (Actually, it is likely this person has a cold, and the fear and anger that is permeating every pore of our lives right now has driven somebody into super-freak-out mode without thought for the consequences of that panic incitement, but whatever.  We'll talk about real risk later.)  The science this woman so vehemently supports actually states that there is a percentage of folks for whom the vaccine does not work.  I am instantly transported to the time 2 summers ago when my husband brought home Pertussis from his small office of vaccinated adults with vaccinated kids.  The illness turned this house on its head.  We were isolated for MONTHS (7 days, bitch please!  7 days is a blessing to spend with your beautiful baby watching Netflix and eating takeout!), all due to a vaccine that is ineffective and fear from a society that puts way too much faith in the government's ability to keep their best interests at the forefront.  It was my choice to keep us out of society.  I was told by our physician that we should resume normal lives after 10 days, since the gestation period would be LONG past at that point.  I didn't do that because I didn't want to hear it.  I didn't want the fear and the anger to affect my kids, and I didn't want a common cold to set us back even more time.  We canceled a vacation, visits to grandparents, 4 summer camps, sleepovers, trips for snow cones.  We sacrificed, and it sucked.  But nobody was hospitalized, nobody died, and nobody had any long lasting effects.

But I digress...  Her words made me think back to that and want to scream back at her that her week at home with her new baby is a fucking BLESSING if she would just see it that way.  Instead she chose to berate me and the hundreds of thousands of healthy, happy, conscious, intelligent, exhausted, responsible, etc etc individuals who fall into her category of evil.  I almost quit reading.  I couldn't take it.  It was 11pm, I should have been asleep at least an hour before that.  The clock was ticking and now I was irritated, my head going a mile a minute trying to formulate a response that the thousands of people thinking "non vaxers should go die on a deserted island" might actually read.  The misinformation, the flat out fear-mongering lies were just too much.  It would take weeks to make sense of it all, and I'd only just read the first little bit.

I don't know what made me do what I did next, but I did it.  I reopened the link, determined to see this through.  After a night of processing I realize I was hoping this was one of those posts that looks awful, but wraps up nicely.  Some neat life lesson, tied with a pretty bow, meant to get the readers attention and then impart some amazing, thought provoking wisdom.  I kept reading.  And there, in the middle of the spew of hatred and fear, IT was.  Even at midnight, in my heightened emotional state, forcing myself to power through and find the lesson (I'd gotten myself into this, I'd sure as hell get myself out!), I saw the reason for the intensity.  And it all made sense.  There, in the middle, was a tiny paragraph about how, if she could have, this mama would have given her babies all of the vaccines in the world if it would have saved her beautiful daughter.  WHAM.  Now THAT is a reason to be angry, fearful, in a full on panic.  Losing a child and the helplessness that must accompany that event would push any of us, when faced with a startling new fear, over the edge.  And just like that, I forgave her.  I still feel the sting of her words.  I am human, and I am doing the best I can.  But I forgive her for her misplaced rage.

I even sent a message to the friend that posted the link in the first place.  I was hoping she knew her personally (she doesn't).  My instincts (I also have a trauma studies certificate attached to my bachelors degree and have training working with grief and crisis on a hotline level) lead me to believe this mama is in real danger.  Her pain is tangible, and it has nothing to do with measles.  I likened it to a "rain wrapped tornado".  If you are not in the midwest and don't know that term, let me explain.  A rain wrapped tornado is one that is just as potentially deadly as the kind you see in glorious photos taken by crazy storm chasers in the middle of nowhere, except that you can't see it coming.  It's surrounded by vertigo and rain and low clouds and it's invisible, even to trained spotters.  You know it is there when it's on top of you.  This mama's grief over losing her daughter is the tornado.  This measles scare (plus newborn baby hormones and all that goes along with that) is the rain wrapping the real issue up in invisibility.  There were thousands of comments, some clearly from people who know this mama personally.  Based on that limited snapshot I think I have a good chance about being right about this, and this mama is in danger.  Now I wish I knew her.  I hope she has support, counseling, a large circle of people who can help her navigate this pain.

Overall, after not-enough-but-better-than-nothing sleep, 2 cups of coffee and this blog post I feel like I can move on.  I don't feel the need to defend myself against the insanity that is this measles "outbreak".   I don't need to.  I am safe and secure in my choices, grateful for the opportunity to reaffirm that to myself in the face of all of this new drama.  I am confident that measles are the least of my worries.  Maybe in my next post I will just make a list of things that freak me out more than measles (or just about any of the "preventable" illnesses).

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