I discovered a pageviews thingie today.

Did you know blogger will let you see pageview stats on your blogs? I didn't. Just discovered it. Weird. Anyway, so I feel pretty safe in posting this because nobody reads my blog. Ha! No blogging celebrity in my near future I guess. I figured out a few days ago what is bothering me so damn much about the current family drama. For those of you non-existent readers who don't know the story, I have cut off contact with my husband's family. Well, the local ones at least. There is a very serious breach of trust, a severe lack of common sense, and yes - danger abounds. I have no real qualms about this decision and Neall is free to make his own decisions regarding contact (even in regards to the children). I have said this a few times to the family, in very clear terms. They are under the impression that I am keeping their son from them. In truth they would have lost him a long time ago if it weren't for me keeping him in touch with them. They don't believe that, of course, but whatever. Anyway, so I figured out why this is bothering me so intensely. There has been no contact with me, even attempted contact, for months. They've tried reaching out to Neall but he's not towing the familly line (ie: agreeing with them without thought or inclination to think for himself) so they've cut contact with him as well. Sort of. They call occasionally and say "wish we could see the kids" and he says "you know what you have to do" and that's that. ANYWAY anyway, (get to the point already Gwen!), It is bothering me intensely that they are not FIGHTING for us. They didn't send Winnie a birthday card, even though they didn't know if we would allow her to have it. They haven't tried calling, even though they don't know if I'll talk to them. They're not fighting to have us in their lives and that is really hurtful. It proves to me that my status (for lack of a better word) in the family has been low all along. I'm not worthy of fighting for. Apparently, neither are my children. Every day that goes by is a step further from my willingness and ability to resolve this. This is all in direct contradiction to the fact that if they did call I wouldn't answer and it would upset me. If they sent a card I'm not sure I'd let my children have it. If they send presents I don't want them. I recognize this as a complete conflict of thought. I just don't know how to resolve it. All along I've just wanted to feel like they care about us and respect me enough to recognize that any drastic withdrawal of contact is a cry for help. But they don't respect me and they don't really care about anything but themselves and I know this. But I still wish they did. There's nothing more powerful than being fought for, even if that attention is unwanted at that time. So there we are. It's out of my head and I can move on. Again.