Haloo Again.

Hello again. This blog post started as a Facebook post but got rather long winded and too personal for Facebook, so here we are. I've been on 2 interviews in my career search since July. I've not been hired at either one. I know this is nothing compared to the job search that others have endured while this country tries to recover from it's financial woes. I still can't help feeling like I am not good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people just don't seem to like me. The first denial (less of a denial than a just never heard from them again) was a huge blow to my self worth. I am not sure I'd have wanted to work there anyway, but the fact that they didn't think *I* was at least as valuable as the slackers already working there was an eye opening moment. Maybe they could sense that I would be unhappy there. Or that I'd be a boat rocker. I'd have been both I think. But it was in my field, an organization that could have been great. And they wouldn't even return my phone calls. Not even the decency to say "we've filled the position, thank you". The second denial was a bit different. It was not in my field but would have been a good fit for me until I was ready to move into full time work. I think it was the "you're our second choice and we'd like to contact you in the near future if we have a position open up again" that really just broke my heart. It's like being first loser. I wasn't prepared for the emotional reaction to being so desperate, knowing I was an excellent candidate, being excited about where this unexpected path was going to lead, and then not being able to walk it. I wasn't prepared for the disappointment. It's only this morning that I finally have a moment to process and I don't like it at all, lol. At the risk of sounding super needy, I really just want to be needed. I want to be valued, feel like I'm contributing to something. I'm under no illusion that I'll save the world by hanging clothes on a display, but if hanging those clothes supports a small business that isn't soul-deadening to myself, I feel needed. I strongly feel that all jobs can be important, useful, satisfying jobs. It's the people at the top that make the difference. It's the reason I cannot bring myself to apply for even seasonal employment at these large, corporate retailers. The idea of being interviewed by some young, bubblegum chomping bimbo about a position I shouldn't even be considering is just too much. I'm trying the "suck it up and help support your family" approach in my head but I can't get past it. I am a leader. I was an assistant store manager of a large retail toy chain at the age of 19. I traveled with another major retailer to open new stores and had even more responsibility. I went from employee/grunt to management in a matter of months and never looked back. I have a degree now. I manage a household that most people would exhaust themselves after a few hours. I can't find a babysitter who will even attempt my life, even for a day. And yet I'm not even worthy of a "thanks but we've filled the position" from one agency, and "not quite what we're looking for but close" from another. I just don't know where to go from here. It was suggested that I hire a headhunter. Great idea. Need money. Don't have money. Hence the job hunting... I'm just blah about the whole thing today and I really, REALLY don't want to tackle the idea of going back to school. I just want to contribute a little bit of cash to the household pot, educate my kids, and stay afloat. Is that so much to ask?