An odd day in my brain

I wanted to dedicate this post to my ex. My ex girlfriend. For those who didn't know this about me, perhaps I should have told you to sit down ;). I think most/all of the people I know are reading this blog know about my past. Anyway. I had a sort of epiphany last night. Let me set the stage.

I have always regarded my relationship with Laura as a good one. It had it's moments. In the end she wasn't good to me (or for me) but that experience shaped my life and decisions and without her I probably would be in a much different situation now. We were together for 4 years. We had made a committment to each other. Had we been of opposite gender we'd likely have been married (and later divorced, lol). We had rings, discussed having children (we both wanted them), lived together (obviously). The final stage of our relationship was the growing-up of Gwen when I discovered she was sleeping with other people. It was a dramatic but quick break up and since none of my friends liked her (I wonder if my family did, I should ask some day) I had lots of support, lol. That's funny to think, but it was true. I realized about a year ago (yes, I'm slow) that she was probably sleeping around on me for half the time we were together. Maybe more. There was the one time in Chicago with that one girl. We somehow got through that (boy those years are blurry memories) and I still think about Erin, whom I turned to (but this never went anywhere beyond friendship) when Chicago was rocky. The final straw was learning that she'd slept with a very good friend of ours who happened to be a crack addict. I was young and naieve about drugs and didn't process that she was on crack until right before the end. I am proud of myself for saying quickly and immediately *ENOUGH*. She was gone the next day, cut off from me entirely, and that was brilliant. It was the best way.

Anyway, I've spent many years (dh and I got together in October of 98 so 9 years) somewhat bitter about the breakup. I had a lump in my stomach thinking about it. I'd often wonder where Laura was or how her life turned out only to feel confused and a bit guilty about wondering. Who cares, yk? So last night I was in bed. It was after 1am, dh and I had just had a "date night" in which we watched this fabulous movie full of love and adventure and laughter (more on that in a bit) and here I was remembering all of the GOOD times Laura and I had. I had this epiphany that there was so much good about that relationship, so much good in her. Something clicked and I thought "wow, why feel bitter?". Sure, she screwed me in the end. She could have really hurt me physically by sleeping around and bringing that home to me. But there was good. Lots of good. I remembered the night we were all out (a big group of us from Liks Ice Cream, where we all worked, the best job in the world) after work. Alanis Morissette was blaring on the radio. Laura screamed "stop the car" at me. I did, not knowing what was wrong. She turned up the radio, rolled down the windows, got out of the car and danced in the street (we were in a part of downtown Denver where nobody is at that hour, lol). She danced around the car and pulled me out and one-by-one each of the other passengers. There we all were laughing hilariously, dancing in the street to blaring Alanis, singing along loudly. We hadn't had a speck of alcohol or anything either, just good friendship and youthful joy. Good times. My head went through several examples of this kind of fun, shifting to focus often on her smile and her dimples, and in my head (and my heart?) something clicked. *Let It Go* my head said. And just like that, because of a feel good movie with a happy ending, I let it go. I remembered why I was happy with her instead of why we split. I remembered what it was about her that drew me to her and acknowledged that I wasn't duped or tricked into liking her. She made bad choices, not me :). *I* am ok. It's not something I realized had been following me around all these years until it was no longer following me around. I actually feel lighter today. And, this is going to sound odd, but I feel tingly. It's sort of like I'd been coated in the regret and hurt from all of that, and now that it's gone I'm squeeky clean and have just bathed in Dr. B's peppermint soap! Odd, lol, but that's what it feels like.

I'm still incredibly curious about where she's ended up. I hope, for the first time since the split, that she is happy and healthy. I hope she's married (as married as a lesbian couple can be) and has children and is looking back fondly on our relationship. I would love to run into her. I used to want to run into her so I could be smug and say "see what you gave up, a nice person who would have cooked and cleaned (shut up Neall) and been a good mom to your kids". Now I want to run into her so I know she's ok, and so she knows I'm ok. I'm proud of my life and acknowledge that she had a hand in forming who I am.

So Laura Lee Williams, if you're reading, zap me a hello ok?

I'd also like to say how awesome it is that I have a husband who won't freak out when he reads this blog, lol. He's a gem, a real keeper (but not a Promise Keeper, that's another Laura story better saved for later ;) ).

And finally, since I promised, Go right now, right this second, and rent the movie we rented last night. It's on my very very very short list of movies to purchase and keep permanently. Seriously, one of the best movies ever. It's called Stardust. It's simply fantastic. The character of the ship captain is about the funniest I've seen that guy in a long time. I won't give more away. The lead actor (no idea his name and too lazy to google at the moment) is darling. The story line is most similar to the Princess Bride. If you love the Princess Bride, you'll love Stardust. It has a bit of suggestive violence and is a bit more oomphy than PB. It's full of love, joy, genuine laughter and humor, a bit of angst (but not too much, just enough to keep the movie going), some riotous hilarity, action and adventure. All around a fabulous movie. Watch it first before letting your kids see it. You won't mind seeing it again. We've decided that our children would enjoy it during the day, not right before bed or in the dark. During the day the "scary" (and I use that term pretty loosely) stuff wouldn't be quite so strong. Tara, your kids would hate it. Becka, not sure about your family. Dannielle, your crew will love it, you can probably wrap bendies while you watch but you won't get many done, lol. Dawn, your crew will love it, Jason too.

Anyway, my Sunday is full of promise, deep love and concern for my husband, joy for the blessing of my children, and respect for the mountain of laundry in the basement (and the one upstairs, and the one down in the bathroom...) which I will attempt to climb today.