We spent the night (well, five hours of it) in the ER last night. Zella had soaked our front room floor the night before with more stomach contents than I thought could possibly fit in a wee body like hers. Anyway, she seemed fine the next morning other than a dirty diaper. She slept all day but had no fever or anything. She wouldn't eat anything or really drink either. About the 4th time I tried to change her diaper I realized she hadn't needed a change all day. Not one drop of moisture in any of those dipes. It clicked in my brain and I got worried. So, after some creative juggling, Zella and I went off to the ER. At first the visit looked grim when I discovered that many people in the waiting room had been waiting for 4 to 5 hours. Yikes! But then it was only minutes when they took us back to the new Ped ER. Whit-whoo! The rooms were nice, comfortable and the staff was great too. They opted to try to ease her nausea and hope she'd eat/drink then before having to go with an IV. A dose of Zofran got her interested in a popsicle with her attitude making an appearance when the wrong COLOR of popsicle was brought. 2 sicles later and some Gatorade too, she was sleeping soundly. A tiny baby had come in with breathing difficulties so it took some time for all of Zella's care to be dealt with but I was understanding and greatful they were all focusing on that tiny baby instead of my not as sick Zella. I watched cable television from a comfy chair under a warm blanket while Zella slept and we waited for paperwork. They cautioned that if the Zofran wore off and vomiting continued then they would want to admit her for a day to break the vomiting/dehydration cycle. On the way home I forbid her to vomit any more because I just couldn't let her be in the hospital. It worked because she seems better today.
Our schedules are all off. Zella napped until 9pm, is now wide awake. Oak is not going to sleep until around midnight and is not waking until after lunch. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have other kids on different schedules. Finn is out by 10 usually, up at 8. Winnie is up later, about 10 or so, and up at 8. Zella is in bed at midnight and up at 10, Oak in bed at midnight and up at 2pm. So I can't go to bed until midnight or later, but am up much too early. Not working. I'm assuming this will all even itself out as we get used to dh's new schedule. I hope.
In reference to my last blog entry, I had been thinking more about what it was that had kept me back, and what had clicked allowing me to let go. You see, I felt stupid for allowing myself to fall in love with Laura, stupid for sharing myself with her, stupid for not seeing the wrong she was doing me. I owned her behavior. And it clicked the other day that I didn't fall in love with Laura the cheater, Laura the liar. I fell in love with the generous nature that prompted her to give a woman $20 for food when we barely had that money to give. I fell in love with eyes that sparkled with joy, dimples, and a spark of ornery defiance that allowed her to be herself when "herself" wasn't socially acceptable. I didn't cheat on me. I didn't ALLOW her to cheat on me. I didn't have anything to do with the choices she made while we were together. She did that and it was no reflection on me at all. THAT is what clicked, that I was not to blame, not at fault, not the one who should be internalizing those things. And so, with that, it went.
Are you harboring "baggage" from a previous relationship that really should belong to the other person? I assure you that letting go is glorious, and forgiving yourself is too.
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