Entitlement

I don't feel entitled to much. I know that hard work and a bit of luck are always the way to get stuff. I don't feel like I'm owed.

However, I do feel sometimes, (like right now), that I am allowed the occasional freak out. I feel entitled to some understanding from the general population, even if what I am freaking out about isn't necessarily on your list of freak-out-worthy situations. I hope that you all can pardon me for my embarrassment/confusion/frustration that prevents me from being able to tell everyone individually that I need some space. (The line "it's not you it's me" comes to mind here). Ultimately I don't really know what is going on. I can take a few stabs at large concepts that I know are contributing, but that won't really complete the picture and I'm not sure it will help. It's quite possible that I am just being too hard on myself, reading more into exchanges than actuality supports. I feel like the more I do, the more is expected of me. I am far from perfect, yet any blunder along my life-way gets nailed to the wall before I can explain myself or fix it. I feel like any misunderstanding automatically gets chalked into the "Gwen is a moron" column. I can't help it. I feel like I am juggling 10 different versions of me, the face I'm supposed to put on for each different scenario. I am not the only one changing. I thought that my easy-going, go with the flow attitude about life would carry me forever, but lately I feel like I am truly fragmenting. I'm having trouble finding some the commonalities that tie it all together. I've learned that snipping a thread here and undoing a knot there doesn't work at all. I think I need to replace strings with rubber bands.

I can tell you that I am not unhappy with my life. Quite the opposite, actually. I love my husband more than ever. I am enjoying raising my children much more than I thought possible 10 years ago. I had no idea being out of the baby stage would be so fun! School is busy but great. I love what I am studying for the intellectual challenge it represents. I am excited for my future. I am chomping at the bit to get out there and DO SOMETHING WONDERFUL. I see endless possibilities for growth. I see a thousand directions I could go in, each one wonderful in its way. I think this is one of them.

I'm not saying goodbye. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic, or dramatic at all for that matter. I am asking for some space, some understanding, some compassion, and most of all some rubber-bandiness (or at least some more slack) in the strings that tie us together.

On a final note: Finn is having surgery to correct his amblyopia on Friday. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated. It should be a relatively minor procedure, but I'm getting nervous just the same. This surgery could mean saving his vision. It could mean he could still be a fighter pilot when he grows up (I'm sort of hoping not :P). It means that riding his bike and skateboarding are safer activities for him than they have been. It means no more headaches and no more double vision.

Thanks all. If you happen to read my blog and know someone who might be interested in keeping up with my life please send them this way. I have suspended my Facebook account indefinitely but may still be around on Gmail if we are close enough to converse that way.

Peace.