Marvelling.

So I had this dream last night. We'll get to that in a minute. The moral of this post (yeah, right at the beginning, in case you don't feel like continuing to read, lol) is regarding the permanent mark internet activity leaves on your life.

Times have changed friends. As a society most of us are very driven by the here and now. We like instant gratification. Some of that is hard wired. Some of that is determined by knowledgeable marketing and outside influence. But either way, we have learned, as Americans (humans? I don't know what it's like in the African rainforest or the canals of destitute Mexico so I hesitate to apply this to all humans) that now is better. We don't often have to wait for things. When we want them, we get them. Even saving for a big screen tv for 2 years is pretty "instant" when you look at the big picture. It's part of the reason our economy is the way it is. Credit and bad investments that might turn really really good are just too good to pass up for the instant thrill we get from them.

So, we live in this society that says now is good, later is bad. And we (by we I mean me and whomever else feels it applies, ymmv) carry on as if now is all that is important.

I had a dream that I went on Wife Swap or one of those kind of shows. Well, rather, I was chosen for one. So in what seemed like hours and still only seconds (you know how dreams can do that?) I had gone through the good and bad of being on the show. It would be kind of fun. I would probably learn a lot about myself. I'd get my feelings hurt, I'm sure, but I'd survive. My family, incidentally, did not have any part of my dream so who knows what their considerations were. Anyway, an epiphany came to me in my dream. I chose not to go on the show because once I did I would forever be google-able. I am working my arse off in school, trying to find a niche for myself in a profession that has a lot that I'm NOT interested in doing, and only a few jobs that I am. If I did something stupid like go on Wife Swap, my public life would be out of my control! The producers could spin my "life" however they wanted to. I would forever be represented, via the internet, however a group of people whom I've never met before wanted to portray me. I decided not to do the show.

When I woke up I realized that my entire internet life was potentially a make it or break it experience for me. Every word I say, every word put into my mouth (wow, that happens a TON, lol) and every image of myself I put out there in my words and in the reflection of other's words, is around to haunt me forever. It may crop back up at any time. History has already proven this, to a minor extent, when someone brings up something long ago worked out and forgotten.

So a couple of weeks ago I decided my time at a popular internet message board was done. I quietly slipped away to pursue more personal relationships when it became apparent to me that I had quite enough relationships in real life to concern myself with. My dream last night nudged me even further in that direction. When I'm job hunting I want a google search of my name to turn up a list of CASA volunteers with my name included. I want it to be a local paper article where I did something nice for someone who needed it. If it has to be Facebook I'd like it to be apparent that I love children (mine and others). I want it to be obvious that my personal life is similar to and supportive of how my professional life would be. In essence, I believe I've finally figured out the grown-up thing. As much as I'd like to change the world by screaming loudly from the rooftops that poor people aren't stupid, I doubt that fanaticism would be well received by a person in a position to change the lives of young children. At least not in the capacity I want to be in. Somewhere along the last couple of years (perhaps poverty and hardship have hardened/altered me?) I've changed from quiet, simple, fun loving Gwen to "FUCK YOU, I'M NOT AN IDIOT". While I still feel I have a right to say these things, I no longer believe raging about them is always the right way to get my point across. In a way, I feel that a balance is to be struck here. Fight when it means the most, try other methods when available. It seems so simple written down.

So I guess this is also a goodbye type post. I'm not really going anywhere, but I am changing my online habits. I'll still be here blogging. I may go invitation only here because I do think I have a right to vent frustration and anger sometimes, as well as share views that might not be in keeping with my "professional" expectations. I don't think employers and professional bodies have a right to every trace of thought that goes through my head though, so I'll hide some from them ;). I'm looking into the Facebook issue. I don't think I post anything THAT controversial on there, but I occasionally use words I wouldn't normally. I think it's probably ok, but will watch myself there too. I'm quite sure my internet time will naturally dwindle as I engage more and more in real life adventures. I have a general timeline/plan I want to pursue.

My life cannot be settled until my home is. I get that. Why I didn't get that a week ago or a year ago I don't know. Better late than never. So, today I'm hatching a prednisone induced plan to resolve this. I'm determined to be content in this home, in this neighborhood, for as long as we are here. We're not going anywhere so we'll make HERE work. I've also realized that I cannot use "no money, no time" as an excuse. I must MUST do it without either of those things if I have to. Apparently I have to. Organization and cleanliness has been done for a century without the benefits of smelly-good cleaning supplies and shiny plastic organizing bins. If I don't already have it, and can't afford it, I'll make do with what I have. We can decorate boxes, use bowls and toy bins and baskets and find new uses for old. I'm kicking myself for tossing the tupperware ;). DUH GWEN, you don't have to use it for FOOD. Child art work can go into unused frames and hung proudly. Tables can be covered with cloth to change their appearance. Clutter can be removed to get to the real potential. Decors can be fashioned after whatever nick-nacks we have floating in the basement from our lives pre-children. I'm betting those things mean more to us than any new stuff we lust after.

And so, finally, a call for help. If you can spare the time, or the energy, I need help. I KNOW that I work better with company. I also work better without children. If you have the time and the energy to help me, I will take it in whatever capacity you want to offer. If you can take some children from me for a few hours, or bring yours over so we can kick them upstairs and work downstairs, I am eternally greatful. I'm going to try to child-care swap, which will be easier once school is out. I'll take yours if you take mine ;). If you can stir dinner and keep kids from running in the street while I work in the basement, I'll take it. I can't do this alone. Plus, if people are aware of my intentions and desire, I'm accountable. No slacking. You can be my drill sargeant ;). I'm not afraid to reduce the clutter (I'd like to take a backhoe through my house and start over) I just don't know HOW. Guide me. Motivate me. Walk beside me on this journey and I'll pay it forward and back to you in whatever capacity I can.