Dear Diary...

A warning to my many throngs of readers. This entry is going to be of a personal nature. Not personal as in graphic, but personal as in from deep inside. If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, you've been warned.



Here goes.



Were this entry in a "real" diary, one with paper pages and a lock and key, the pages would be wrinkled and soggy. I was totally not expecting such a flood of emotion and sadness from recent events. I probably should have been. At one point last night Neall asked if I was ok. I had been holding it together out of guilt. I have no right, NO RIGHT to be feeling this way about this and I know Neall will take my sadness into his heart. I don't want him to feel guilty or like I just went along with this for him because really, truly, I didn't. But that's exactly what he did. He asked if I was ok, I lost it, lol. In my defense, I warned him.

I just do not understand what is wrong with me that with 4 beautiful babies, all of them happy and healthy, I am crying because there will be no more. And I haven't had a good nights sleep in days and I haven't gotten to sit down in 24 hours. Oak won't fracking sleep, the kids are acting crazy (stupid holidays), dh is totally in his own land. I know he deserves this peace of mind. I know he deserves a couple of days of rest.

I should shut up and quit whining about being sad and wishing he'd understand because he can't and he won't and it's unfair of me to even think he should. I wish I could have a bath. I wish this were all over. Or all a dream. Then I think what a biotch I am for being so upset over an elective procedure when mamas are dying from cancer leaving their babies behind, their babies are battling life threatening disease, and in general there's just a whole lot, a WHOLE LOT worse in this world than my husband getting a vasectomy.

And around we go. Around and around with the sadness and the guilt then the sadness then the guilt. Wow did that blindside me. Was I just putting on a face the last few weeks with the whole "I'm great, everything is fine, I'm happy"? Are my hormones raging so much that the simple act of monthly cycles is enough to push me from perfectly fine to totally NOT ok?

And screw talking this out. Dh doesn't get it. He's happy. I should be too. There, there dear psycho hormonal wife, this will pass. Well dandy. "did you hope I would have a change of heart?". Ummmm, no, but a little love and compassion from you would be nice. I DID warn you that "being ok" with this didn't mean there wouldn't be emotion from me.

And the kids are acting crazy. Wait. Did I mention that. Just what an already psycho mama needs, a 2.5 year old sitting in her lap screaming "I want mommy". And the cramping and the whining.

Pah.