They say history repeats itself. This seems to be true in one aspect of my life. It's relatively minor so I blog cryptically here to let it out so I can hope to move on. I'm sure I won't actually move on, and that history will repeat itself yet again at some later date, but what else can I do?
I suppose that putting yourself out there also means sometimes being in the line of fire. I strive to be a good person, a positive influence on those whose lives have touched mine, even in seemingly single-stranded ways. I tend not to think of anyone I've met, whether in real life or via technological methods, as strangers. I open myself freely and with gusto. This is me to a fault. I'm a healer, a helper. I like to fix things. I like to say "see where I was, now look at me!" and help you get there too. I like to be acknowledged when I've overcome something difficult, and I like to acknowledge difficulty in others. It's this driving force that moves me throughout my days. It's this that has pushed me in the direction of a difficult profession.
Perhaps it's the sleep deprivation, the chaos surrounding a full course-load this semester, the emotionally draining work on the suicide hotline, the demands of a potty-learning child, that are making me wonder where I'm to go from here. Is it ever too much? Is there a limit to putting yourself out there? Is there a time when it's ok to hold back out of concern for your own safety and health? At first glance I know most people would say "absolutely there is a line", but I'm not so sure. What if the one time I hold back is the time I could have REALLY made a difference? Instead of holding back I would rather enhance my protections and take the risk.
Yes. That's what I'd rather do. It's only very rarely that my protections aren't sufficient. It's usually when I've come from a place of good and been caught off guard by a response I wasn't expecting. Giving of myself, even when the outcome is unknown, is always right. It's the basis of my faith as a pagan. It's the basis of my morality. It's always right to do kindness, even if it's not received as kindness at the time.
And so where does that leave me? Right back at the beginning, lol. I may not be perfect in my expressions of kindness, but my heart is always in the right place. All that's left is to hope that others see that first, instead of the mistakes in putting my thoughts into words. And I vow to do the same.
4 comments:
This is something I've actually thought a lot about in life. I think, because of some emotional trauma in childhood/teen years, I initially grew into adulthood as a "closed" person - not giving my self, my soul, whatever to anyone. Then sometime in my twenties I went through a shift, where I believe I overcorrected. Instead of not making eye contact with the homeless person in the laundromat, I would sit down with them and listen hard and give my best self to them. Or not just the homeless person, but anyone that came at me. Hard to describe. I did this consciously, with my idea of a spiritual practice. I was actually heavily influenced by ideas of Christ (though not a Christian in the traditional sense) such as turning the other cheek, loving your enemies, and the golden rule.
Then I starting to see that after these incidents it was becoming a negative pattern for me, where I becoming "too open" to people that were very energetically needy, and after these incidents I would become physically sick. I started to see that some people out there are "energy suckers," and I didn't have the right (or any) defense systems in.
So now, I have tried (I hope) to find a balance. Be aware and protect your soul energetically first. To use another Christian metaphor, I was casting pearls before swine in a way. By that I mean giving my true soul to people who don't have good intentions. I doesn't mean you can't help people, you just have to give from a different place.
I don't know if any of that relates to what you are dealing with, but I thought I'd put it out there.
I hear you Dawn. I'm pretty good at protecting myself in real life relationships. I seem to be struggling with relatively anonymous online relationships though. I don't know if it's because I don't articulate myself well in writing, and thus my meanings are misunderstood or if I'm just annoying or what, but it happens often that I'm the one getting stomped on during internet communication snafus. :shrug: It's one of the reasons I left Amity's. I got tired of defending myself uselessly for trying to be compassionate and caring and instead being misunderstood.
Thanks for your thoughts. :)
Gwen, I've known you virtually all my life. You are one of the most giving and loving people I've ever known. <3
The problem, I feel, that people have when it comes to you (which is their problem, not yours) is that you are matter-of-fact. This is a valuable trait and I wish there were more people like that out there. But, it seems unless you sugar coat everything you say, people end up with bruised prides. However, if they can't handle directness, that is their shortcoming, and they ought to look a little deeper.
I love you. Keep on doing what you do. Believe me, you accomplish far more good than anything else. As Dori says, "keep on swimming, keep on swimming....."
The thing is, I'm only matter of fact when it seems appropriate. I was posting to spread information, While I did empathize with her, my intent was to give her information she didn't appear to have. And even if she did, there were people reading her blog who were in similar situations that may not have had that information. Win-win. Or so I thought. No biggie. I'm over it. I said "take it or leave it". She chose option C, which was to freak out. :shrug:
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