Giving and getting.

This will be a word-vomit type entry so please ignore if you're opposed to reading some journal entry type words.

I give a lot. I'm a giver. I've always been a giver. Usually this is a fantastic thing. I LOVE giving. Sometimes though, when life is racing by at record speed, I think about getting instead. This would be one of those weeks. I've been so wrapped up in so many lives, willfully and gladly so. I've even managed to stay wrapped up in my own. I really like where my life is. Sure it's messy and chaotic sometimes. I have no idea, from one moment to the next, where this path is taking me, what will be next. Normally I'm ok with that. That pretty much IS life, right?

Halt. I just had an epiphany-ish moment. I just realized that the chaos that flows around me is manageable if I have some solidarity thrown in. Something to look forward to. Something to expect. Right now all of those "look forward to" moments keep getting canceled at the last minute. All those expectations get altered and warped just as I've gotten comfortable. Simple things like hair appointments and nights out are not being followed-through on. It's not the cancellations or the changes that are bothering me. It's the fact that EVERY SINGLE moment of expected joy and happiness gets blocked. If just one event happened when and where it was planned to I'd be right back on track and loving life again I think.

This is all happening completely unnoticed by others involved. They've got their own chaos to manage. It's not intentional, and I know that, but I can't help but feel betrayed and frustrated each time it happens AGAIN.

So where does this leave me? I don't fucking know. I've tried to just roll with it. That has me upset and crying each time yet another thing is canceled or changed. I don't think that's the right thing any more. I'm not a crier normally so I know this is truly getting to me. Discussing it with others involved is pointless. It's not an intentional situation so what good would that do? I just don't know. I'm nearing the snapping point though, so I know something has to give.