Alllll righty-then.

As promised I've made one of my signature lists and come to the conclusion that I am ape-poo-poo crazy. I'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of the changes going on in my life, not unhappy, just a tad overwhelmed. It seems like a few kinks along the way are enough to set me off course. So, ignore previous rantings. I'm cool. I'm still miffed at the assembly issue. I'm a bit more than miffed at the gift basket saga, but I see where a difference could be made by little old me so I'll grasp that and keep working.

Be on the lookout for major freakout alerts over the next several weeks though. While the holidays are fun and exciting for an extrovert like me, they are also stressful. It's not because I want everything to be perfect or because I have so much shopping and so little time to do it (quite the contrary). It's because I see way more family than I'm used to. This wouldn't otherwise be a problem except that I spend a considerable amount of time defending myself and my choices, particularly when it comes to the children. Adding to the dimensional stress is the fact that our Thanksgiving holiday is going to be spent with my rural Ohio family members who were staunch (and misguided, but I'll try not to use that word to their faces) McCain supporters. Unfortunately for me, this will be a challenge. You see, they believe that Obama is the antichrist, that he's a terrorist, that he's taking the US back for all the "colored people" (their words, not mine). I need to be able to keep my mouth shut tight around them. Has anyone ever known me to keep my mouth shut? Hmmm. No, I didn't think so.

In fact, I owe a huge apology to a blog reader and dear friend. While it was not my intention to hurt her, I did. I'm quite certain that an afternoon of back and forth discussion would be sufficient to allow her to see what I MEANT rather than what I SAID, I haven't actually spoken to her other than on the diarrhea-of-the-mouth thread, which doesn't exactly constitute speaking to her.

More on that. I find it challenging, this time of year particularly, to battle the Christian message. Now see, that came out wrong, lol. I feel bombarded, and thus defensive. I am not wishy-washy on my own faith, but people come out of the woodwork this time of year to spread the word. I'm not talking about the people who love me, or who genuinely care for my wellbeing. I'm talking about the ones who won't give me assistance with my gas bill until I attend a church service, despite the fact I think this is a tad illegal (or should be) because those are federal dollars they are handing out with religious strings attached). Or the people who feel compelled to tell me I am going to hell for not taking their pamphlet. I recognize that these are the "vocal minority" of a faith that most find a gentle peace in, but this time of year the emphasis is on VOCAL. For an argumentative PITA like myself this feels like getting challenged on my beliefs from 12 different directions. It's not that I don't feel strongly about my beliefs, it's that I don't feel particularly compelled to demonstrate my strength to others. My relationship with un-earthly powers is mine to contemplate, challenge, and share when it strikes me as appropriate. There are fundamental differences between my beliefs and that of others, this would be one of them. I have been around long enough to know that most of the intentions of being bombarded with religious messages is LOVE. My friends and family LOVE me and want me to feel the same sense of love and purpose as they do. Despite my beliefs that I already DO, I sometimes fail miserably at being gracious in my receipt of that love. So there, too, I owe apologies. I am working on regrounding myself and setting my mind to accept the intent of messages aimed at me this holiday season. I've attempted before to explain how difficult it is to be Pagan in a Christian world but it's hard to do that without offending someone. The bottom line is, some think I am wrong and feel compelled to say so. I feel THEY are wrong but am not worried about it because it doesn't really matter because my gods and goddesses see your heart, intentions, faults, gifts, actions, misbehaviors, everything, and overall good is the ultimate goal of life. I do not feel judged for my mistakes by anyone other than humans, who unfortunately find it quite easy to judge.

So friend, whom I hurt badly on our parenting board, (and who knows, maybe there are others, I speak to all of you), I'm sorry. I said some stupid things. I didn't mean them how they were taken, and my attempts at explanation made things worse, as usual. My excuse is that it is difficult to explain your heart without the benefit of an external representation that people understand. I was simply trying to explain my heart and instead stomped on yours. I don't feel wishy-washy in my faith, nor do I believe that I am misplacing it, I just did a poor job of representing myself AND my faith, and for that I am sorry.

So, I had my little "eat foot for dinner", and "attempt to repair friendships" for dessert. This seems to be a yearly event (like holidays, lol). It's over and I'm back to receptive, kind, understanding, even-tempered Gwen. I hope. Because I sure couldn't do any of this without my good friends.